Looking back on last year’s culinary trends list, 2010 was all about macarons, bacon, whoopie pies, food trucks, cupcakes, raw food diets, sous vide, and sea salt. Some I'm glad to see phase out, and others continue to trend beautifully. This year has us once again seen us engaging in provenance, but to hyperlocavorist levels. Microdistilleries, homemade pie, sustainable seafood, food photography, pickling, and foraging also top my list of culinary trends this year.
I am in no way a culinary expert, but I'm observant in many corners of the culinary community, and follow blogs, culinary journals, chefs, social media, and product manufacturers, not to mention I'm a cookbook collector (and by "collector", I mean "hoarder").
In my small corner of this gastroverse, these are shifts and trends I've seen pass through this year. I've also made a few culinary predictions for 2012 at the end.
2011 Trends
Hyperlocavorism. People have been gravitating toward getting produce and meat direct from specialty farms, butchers, seafood suppliers, farmers markets, and sometimes even growing/supplying their own food at home. We are taking provenance to a whole knew level, insisting on knowing our meat, produce, and seafood suppliers.
Microdistilleries. Boutique booze is shaking up the bar scene, at least in the Pacific Northwest. All varieties of distillers have cropped up literally overnight.
Pickling. Pickles aren't just baby gherkins anymore! Folks are pickling all manner of veggies right and left, and yes, even fruit. In particular, stone fruits and melons, are experiencing a vinegary makeover. Sign me up!
Whole and ancient grains. Spelt, quinoa, amaranth, and kamut (among others) are seeing a resurgence as people gravitate toward healthier grains and away from over-processed foods.
Food photography. There's been an exploding interest in photographing our edibles—a subject near and dear to my heart and palate. Taking photos of your meal is the new duck-face snapshot.
Cardamom. This spice just rejoined the ranks of home pantry staples. I've noticed that this once-exotic spice is trending rapidly in desserts, breads, savory dishes, and drinks.
Street food. Food carts and trucks have been trending for a while now, but this year it was all the rage to rent them for parties and weddings. Even some restaurants (like Seattle’s Revel) specialize in restaurant-served street food. (Somehow, this works.)
Foraging. Searching for edible plants and mushrooms is on an upswing, and is undoubtedly connected to our desire to eat fresh, eat local, and known where are food comes from. Chefs and foragers have been giving tours to those wanting to learn to spot food growing in our midst.
Gastro-tourism. People have always enjoyed meals in the exotic places they've traveled to, but now, they are traveling more and more for the express purpose of tasting a city's or region’s culinary offerings, waiting months to get reservations at a world-renowned restaurant, or visiting specific regions to buy its ingredients and wares.
Butchery. Despite Meatless Monday and vegetarian/vegan lifestyles also enjoying a healthy upswing, people are more often frequenting butchers, taking butchery classes, and using nonstandard types and cuts of meat more than ever. Heritage handcut meats are trending, as mass-produce supermarket meats (even those labeled "organic") get snubbed.
Food on a stick. There's been just about everything attached to a stick this year. Cake-pops, pie-on-a-stick, ice pops, candy, and even macarons have found themselves on sticks previously reserved for lollipops or corndogs. There's even a cookbook for stick-food lovers.
Boutique gourmet/fusion burgers. Not only have specialty beefs (wagyu, kobe, or local varieties) become all the rage, but a fusion of cultural flavor notes employing exotic condiments, such as berry spreads, specialty mustards, and non-traditional veggies and relishes all enjoyed time in the limelight this year.
Pie. It finally happened. Pie is the new cupcake. Single-serving pies, pies on a stick, deep-dish heirloom fruit pies, seasonal tarts, savory pies, pie-in-a-mason-jar... you name it. If it has anything resembling a pie crust, people are gobbling it up. I’ve even seen “pie shakes” and “pie ice cream” flavors. Pie maven, Kate McDermott, who has undoubtedly helped spread the pie love with her best-pie-crust-I've-ever-tasted recipes, has sold-out-for-months-in-advance baking classes. People are craving pie, which won the Dessert Olympics this year.
Cocktails. Cocktail bars, and specialty cocktails, are all the rage, and mixologists have become the new culinary celebrities. I expect this cocktail culture to increase exponentially in 2012. There is a particular interest in bitters and microdistilled spirits. Spirit-serving gastropubs are the new wine bar.
DIY meat curing. People are taking their meat into their own hands (not a euphemism, ahem) by smoking and curing their own meats, making their own bacon, and creating homemade versions of charcuterie classics like salami and pastrami.
Cooking show competitions. These have been around for a couple of years, but this year, I couldn't even keep up with all of the cooking competition shows. It's no longer chefs competing in culinary smackdowns, but the home cook who dreams of taking their culinary prowess to the next level.
Homemade ice cream. Seems that everyone in my social media feed this past summer was out buying their own ice cream makers, and concocting all types of traditional and exotic frozen treats. I was even invited to a number of ice cream socials, or attending parties where homemade ice cream was paired with other desserts. This can just keep on trending, as far as I'm concerned!
Sustainable seafood. With unethical fishing practices depleting our oceans' resources, the topic of sustainable seafood has risen to the top of the culinary discussions of the year. At the forefront is the book Good Fish by Becky Selengut. If you enjoy eating, reading about, or cooking seafood, this book is a must.
Goat. I know goat cheese has been around a long time, but this is the first year I've seen goat meat and milk trending, as well as goat cheese showing up in non-traditional forms. There's also a new cookbook specializing in culinary goat offerings.
Sriracha sauce. I've seen it added to sweets and other non-Asian foods. There's even a Sriracha cookbook for this flying rooster hot sauce. I've seen it as a standard condiment in many restaurants now, with people adding it to eggs, soups, burgers, and more.
2012 Predictions
Hash. I don't mean the green variety. I'm talking the it-ain't-just-for-corned-beef-anymore kind. Gourmet hash is totally on the rise with more restaurants serving standard and non-standard varieties with their breakfast menus again. I blame Clark Haas of Hashcapades fame. I hope he writes a Hash cookbook this year. (Hint, hint.)
Cheese curds. With the Canadian specialty poutine gaining more popularity across the border, and cheese varieties expanding, I'm starting to see squeaky cheese in my local, tiny market now. I imagine there will be all types of gourmet cheese curds making the rounds this year. Bring it on!
Butter churning. During the butter shortage in Norway, people have started churning their own butter. These kinds of things tend to spread across borders and I imagine fresh, hand-churned butter being the next big culinary craze.
Fermenting. People are starting to go beyond basic pickling and make homemade sauerkraut, kimchi, and other foods, as well as more home brewing, and other DIY fermentation projects.
Healthier fast-food options. This trend has already turned up ethnic and vegetarian food carts, but I am sensing this will spread widely to fast-food restaurants, both with old standards offering healthier options, and brand-new restaurants offering quick and easy healthful options. School and work cafeterias are also starting to get the message.
More allergen-free foods. More restaurants, food manufacturers, and home cooks serving gluten- and allergen-free foods. Too many folks have special culinary diets for food servers and producers to ignore this any longer.
Microfarming.Urban farming has seen an increase in the last couple of years, but more people are investing in backyard chickens, bees, and gardens than I ever remember in years past. It seems like I've seen more front and back yards converted to vegetable gardens than ever before, with fancy raised beds, little greenhouses, and wire/fencing (to keep out other hungry animals).
Hunting. I admit that I look forward to learning to hunt this year, which seems to be a new trend, with people like Georgia Pellegrini (of Girl Hunter fame) leading the way. This year, I learned to shoot a rifle in preparation for this year's hunting expedition. I think at the heart of the matter (at least for me), people are wanting to look intimately at the source of where our food comes from and to learn valuable skills for survival in case of catastrophic disaster.
Question
What trends have you seen come and go this year, and what do you anticipate for next year?
30 December, 2011
24 November, 2011
Savannah High Apple Pie.
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| Savannah High Apple Pie |
I'd never seen a more outrageous-looking pie recipe. And I made it. On purpose.
The recipe comes to you courtesy of the infamous Paula Deen, known in America for her extreme Southern drawl and her unfailing love of butter.
I'd actually been looking for a good salted caramel apple pie recipe. Heavy on the caramel. I'm easy that way. (One time, when I was brokenhearted, I subsisted on almost nothing but caramels and soda crackers for three weeks. I can quit you, baby, but don't make me quit caramels!)
One fine day, while I was sitting here minding my own business, a friend in London--the delectable Jackie Lee who has a magnificent food blog--tweeted a link that went to this outrageously ridiculous recipe by none other than Paula Deen.
The tweet:
“SERIOUSLY PAULA?! Are you kidding me?! http://bit.ly/QZY7N
Since I swapped out the shortening for butter, there was a whopping five-and-a-half sticks of butter in this one pie. I was mortified and fascinated and aghast. The ingredients themselves seemed to carry good flavor notes (you really can't go wrong with apples, caramel, brown sugar, pecans), but the freak of a pie was a mile high and looked like it was fished out of someone's toilet. No really, it did.
I knew right then that I had to make it. Toilet Pie.
After contemplating this for a short time, I got a message from Jackie Lee saying "You know, we owe it to the world to make this pie." Yes. Yes, we do. So, on her side of the pond in London, she makes one, and on my side, I do one, as well. As Jackie Lee states "[We] made this Paula Deen pie so you won't have to!"
The link to the recipe is here. With cool-down times, it really takes more like 3.5 hours than the 1.5 hours stated on her web site. The only adjustments I made to the recipe is that I swapped out shortening with butter, I did not use 24 apples because I did not have a bowl that big (I used 20), and I used three different kinds of apples (Granny Smith, Golden Delicious, and Fuji) instead of one, to get sweet versus tart flavors. Still, my pie was only half as tall as it was supposed to be, so a deep bowl (for inverting) and 24+ apples is recommended if you're going for the "real deal."
But how does this monstrosity taste, you ask? Despite the mess, it was actually pretty tasty. (As Jackie Lee said "The flavour wasn't bad. I'd even go so far as to say that it was pretty damn good.") Indeed. It's very sweet (as you'd expect) and its kind of like a pecan pie and an apple pie had a merger.
Jackie Lee's version is here. Neither of us quite got the height required for the tried-and-true version. For examples on how tall it should look, check out these Google images. Feast your eyes on the world's most ridiculous pie.
Images.
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| After assembling the tower. |
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| Oops. I lost half of my pie innards due to oven gremlins. (Or more likely, I didn't seal off the fluted edges well enough...) |
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| The finished pie in all of its messy glory |
God bless America and its ability to mortify me daily!
25 October, 2011
Rabbit and Bacon Pie
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| Rabbit and Bacon Pie with Garlic Kale |
It had been a long time since I'd had rabbit, and had never actually cooked with it myself. Perhaps the last time I had it was as far back as when I lived in Germany in the '90s and my ex-mother-in-law prepared an exquisite rabbit dish every year for Easter. When I'd tell people about this incredible culinary experience, my American friends often screeched "OH MY WORD, you ATE the Easter Bunny!!??" Why, yes. Yes, we did.
I'd recently acquired the book "Great British Food" at Seattle's brand-new Book Larder cookbook store and had noticed an incredible pie recipe in it that I desperately wanted to try: Rabbit and Bacon Pie. I wasn't even sure if I could find a rabbit. It's found in a lot of European cuisines, but you don't see it a whole lot around here. So I put out an online inquiry and got tips on where I might find a whole rabbit. As I was on my way to check out various recommended gourmet butchers, I decided just for fun, I'd check out my local butcher who is a mile from my home "Fischer Meats" in Issaquah. Lo and behold, they happened to have a 3.2-lb whole rabbit with my name on it. It was gutted and cleaned, but strangely still had some of its innards attached (ie. kidneys, heart) which I ended up using in the recipe for more flavor.
I adapted this recipe a bit, and instead of one big pie, I baked individual 4-inch pies (I had two ramekins and four miniature springform pans, so I used two different kinds). I served the pie with a simple garlic kale dish on the side.
Side note: I had a couple of large spoonfuls of the filling left over and it made a fantastic sauce over pasta. Also, I think a great addition to this recipe would be to use a handful of chopped wild mushrooms in the filling, perhaps chanterelles.
Makes six 4-inch pies.
(For another savory pie recipe, check out Pamela's "Shepherd's Pie" blog at: My Man's Belly.)
Braised Rabbit Ingredients.
1 rabbit, skinned, gutted and cleaned
1 medium onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
1 celery root, chopped
6 garlic cloves, minced
1 sprig fresh sage
1 sprig fresh thyme
1 sprig fresh rosemary
2 bay leaves
1 1/4 cup chicken stock
1 1/4 cup cider
salt and pepper
2 TB butter
5 strips thick-cut streaky bacon, cut into small matchsticks
1 leek (whites with trimmed greens), finely sliced
2 TB flour
2 TB fresh parsley, chopped
Pastry Ingredients.
4 sheets (approx. 2 lb.) puff pastry
1 egg, beaten
Instructions.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Season the rabbit inside and out with salt and place in a dutch oven. Add onion, carrot, celery root, garlic, herbs, stock, and cider. Season the whole thing with pepper. Cover and cook in the oven for 1 hour.
Remove from the oven and remove only the rabbit from the dish to a cutting board. Cut or pull off all the meat, discarding the bones. Cut the meat into small chunks and return them to the dutch oven with the vegetables.
In a frying pan, melt butter and fry the bacon for five minutes until lightly browned. Add the leeks and let them sweat for 5 minutes until soft. Sprinkle in the flour (or, if you are gluten-free, your own thickening agent, such as arrowroot), stir well, and cook together for two minutes.
Add the bacon and leeks to the dutch oven and bring to a boil and simmer for five minutes. Add the chopped parsley, stir, and remove from heat. Check the seasoning and allow to cool somewhat.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the inside of 4-inch ramekins or springform pans. Roll out a sheet of the pastry on a well-floured surface to about the thickness of a tea towel (3 mm or .1"). Cut big enough squares to fill each baking dish or pan, with a little bit of dough hanging over the side; trim corners.
Fill the pies with the rabbit-bacon filling. Cut another piece of pastry for the lid of each pie, letting a little hang over the edge; trim corners. With floured hands, pinch the edges of the lids to the edges of the pastry lining (I pinched together and rolled in toward the center of the pie) to make sure they are well-sealed together. Cut a couple of small slits into, or stick your fork through, the top of each pie a couple of times to allow steam to escape.
Brush the lid of each pie with the beaten egg. Bake for 35 minutes or until the pastries are golden brown. Serve hot.
Images.
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| Adapted from Great British Food |
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| Whole rabbit being prepared for cooking (l), pies being assembled (r) |
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| The finished pies served with garlic kale |
22 May, 2011
18 May, 2011
A Rapture Primer
So, I hear all this talk about the world ending on Saturday, May 21. But that's not exactly how it's goin' down so I thought I'd straighten this shit out. According to a few folks, the Rapture is scheduled to occur on May 21, but the world isn't supposed to officially end until five months later on October 21. However, most Christians call bullshit on this theory.
First, for those who don't follow End Times prophesy, let's define the Rapture. It's essentially an event predicted in bible scripture throughout the New Testament by different authors. The fact that it was prophesied by many folks makes the case for the Rapture pretty compelling to many Christians who take the bible literally. (Hi, Dad!)
So, this event is basically a big-ass aerial gathering starting with Jesus Christ (who is currently in Heaven) and his archangel coming down to Earth (well, as far as the clouds; they probably don't want to get their heavenly shoes soiled). While in the clouds, they blow a big-ass trumpet and the Christians, both living and dead, rise up into the air to meet them in the cloud. Now, if you think about it, this is a sweet deal for everybody, really. If you're alive at the time of the rapture, you get to escape death. If you're dead at the time the trumpet sounds, you get to rise up and live in your body again. So, it's pretty fucking cool for Christians.
Okay. So, this old dude, Harold Camping, swears on the King James Holy Bible that the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011, and that the world will subsequently completely end five months later on October 21. This isn't biblical because it says, plain as day, that the Lord will come when everybody is least expecting it. "...the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." (1 Thessalonians 5:2) and "Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect." (Matthew 24:44), and "...concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." So, basically, not even the freaking angels know what the fuck is happening. So, how does Harold Camping think that he can predict an event that only God the Father knows?
As an aside, Camping falsely predicted the Rapture would occur in 1994. So, he never learned his lesson the first time, he's delusional to begin with, and he's blowin' smoke up everybody's collective asses.
However, should it happen, here's the chronology of the End Times(tm) in a big nutsack.
Event #1: The Rapture
For Believers:
For those who believe in Jesus Christ and follow His teachings, there's a good chance you will be in the crowd that gets to go upstairs. Here's how it goes down. So, you're going about your day, downloading Christian porn and shit, when suddenly you hear a shout and a trumpet blast, and before you can blink, you're suddenly in the clouds (I'm thinking alto-cumulus clouds, personally), standing there with your Creator thinking "...the hell?" Then it dawns on you "Jesus Jones! It's the fucking Rapture! Duuuuudes."
For Non-Believers:
So, if you are an agnostic, atheist, Satanist, or a member of other non-Jesus-centric religions, you will not be going anywhere. You are what is referred to in Bible-thumping circles as "Left Behind." The immediate disappearance of millions of others on this planet is going to force you, and the remaining lost souls, into a state of panic. Airplanes and automobiles manned by believers will suddenly be empty after people are taken. People undergoing surgery might be left in precarious positions because the surgeon was a believer and is now gone. Cue mass panic.
Event #2: The Judgement Seat and the Great Feast (for believers)
From the clouds, you are escorted to Heaven along with long lines of other folks from all eras (so expect some serious B.O. in the queue). There are two main events that will occur. There is the Judgment Seat of Christ which is where God judges, and subsequently rewards, His believers. (The non-believers have a separate judgment day "The Last Judgment.") After you get all your rewards and shit, then you sit down to this huge-ass feast called "The Marriage Supper of the Lamb," which is basically Heaven-sanctioned gluttony. This event is the celebration of God marrying his people. Sounds a bit polyamorous, I know. But if you're a believer--male, female, gay, or straight, alive or previously dead--you will be married to Christ during a seven-year banquet.
"...the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine--the best of meats and the finest of wines." (Isaiah 25:6)
You know, though, that God isn't really doing the "preparing." Come on. That rich bastard isn't slavin' away in the kitchen for a banquet big enough to feed millions of folks for seven years. I call bullshit. He's either going to do an I-Dream-Of-Jeanie nod and make it happen, or he's got some sorry-ass angel lackeys in the back whippin' shit up. Either way, the believers are getting fed the finest of foods and drinks. None of this Old Country Barfet crap.
Event #2: The Great Tribulation (for non-believers)
After the initial adjustment to the fact that millions of people just fucking up and disappeared, we don't get to curb our anxiety much before the serious shit starts going down in the form of widespread calamities and intense turmoil, the likes of which the world has never seen. For the next seven years, God's messengers (including the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, which symbolize Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death) will unleash God's wrath upon the world in the form of plagues and pestilence, at predestined times. The word "apocalypse" means "the lifting of a veil" which is the symbolic term for the apocalyptic henchman that come and reveal God's wrath to the people of Earth. So I take the word "apocalypse" to be synonymous with "Great Tribulation." But that's me. Don't quote me on this.
During all of this turmoil, a person called the Antichrist will rise to power and try to quell the people's need for a strong leader during these troubled times. He will really be acting on behalf of Satan, spreading evil throughout the world, but the people won't know it. The Antichrist will use religious syncretism to merge religions and economies together. People will be required to get the "Mark of the Beast" (666 or 616, depending on who you ask) tattooed on their body as a means of monetary exchange. This mark will ensure their damnation. (As if the fact that the Christian are already gone did not. But whatever. I'm just the messenger, yo.)
Event #3: The Second Coming of Christ (The Battle of Armageddon)
So, after the seven years of hell on earth is over, and believers are done stuffing their pie holes, they come back to Earth with God and start kicking Satan's ass. It's going to be quite epic. The big things that happen are: the armies of the Antichrist are destroyed, the Antichrist himself is sent to eternal damnation along with the False Prophet, and Satan is sent to Hell for 1,000 years and ejected from Earth.
Event #4: The Millennium Kingdom
So, after Satan and his cronies get their asses kicked, God and His believers take over, rebuild the Earth, and the Millennium Kingdom begins. Mind you, however, the non-believers who did not perish in the Battle of Armageddon are still here, alongside the believers. Everyone is peaceful.
Event #5: The Last Judgment
After 1,000 years of peace and goodness, God lets Satan out of Hell again and whoops his ass one more time (just for kicks). After that, he conducts the Great White Throne Judgment (or Last Judgment) and now judges all non-believers and sends them to the Lake of Fire (Hell) for eternity. Him and his minions will now rebuild a New Heaven and Earth. Why a new Earth? Why not ditch this hole? Who the fuck knows. Maybe the believers have overpopulated Heaven and they need more space. In any case, the darkness of Earth is defeated and the light will reign for the rest of eternity.
Forever and ever, Amen.
Rapture Playlist
“Break on Through (to the Other Side)” The Doors
“Rapture” Blondie
“Stairway to Heaven” Led Zeppelin
“Caught up in the Rapture” Anita Baker
“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” Judy Garland
“Come Sail Away” Styx
“Little Trip to Heaven” Tom Waits
"Armageddon It" Def Leppard
"Ghost Riders in the Sky" Johnny Cash
"Arma-goddamn-motherf**kin-geddon" Marilyn Manson
"It's the End of the World as We Know It" REM
"Left Behind" Slipknot
"The Great Gig in the Sky" Pink Floyd
"High in the Clouds" 'Ol Dirty Bastard
Suggested Reading
"Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
BONUS: Rapture Dining Guide--for those in Seattle during the Rapture who want to be Left Behind in gastronomical style
First, for those who don't follow End Times prophesy, let's define the Rapture. It's essentially an event predicted in bible scripture throughout the New Testament by different authors. The fact that it was prophesied by many folks makes the case for the Rapture pretty compelling to many Christians who take the bible literally. (Hi, Dad!)
So, this event is basically a big-ass aerial gathering starting with Jesus Christ (who is currently in Heaven) and his archangel coming down to Earth (well, as far as the clouds; they probably don't want to get their heavenly shoes soiled). While in the clouds, they blow a big-ass trumpet and the Christians, both living and dead, rise up into the air to meet them in the cloud. Now, if you think about it, this is a sweet deal for everybody, really. If you're alive at the time of the rapture, you get to escape death. If you're dead at the time the trumpet sounds, you get to rise up and live in your body again. So, it's pretty fucking cool for Christians.
Okay. So, this old dude, Harold Camping, swears on the King James Holy Bible that the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011, and that the world will subsequently completely end five months later on October 21. This isn't biblical because it says, plain as day, that the Lord will come when everybody is least expecting it. "...the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." (1 Thessalonians 5:2) and "Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect." (Matthew 24:44), and "...concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." So, basically, not even the freaking angels know what the fuck is happening. So, how does Harold Camping think that he can predict an event that only God the Father knows?
As an aside, Camping falsely predicted the Rapture would occur in 1994. So, he never learned his lesson the first time, he's delusional to begin with, and he's blowin' smoke up everybody's collective asses.
However, should it happen, here's the chronology of the End Times(tm) in a big nutsack.
Event #1: The Rapture
For Believers:
For those who believe in Jesus Christ and follow His teachings, there's a good chance you will be in the crowd that gets to go upstairs. Here's how it goes down. So, you're going about your day, downloading Christian porn and shit, when suddenly you hear a shout and a trumpet blast, and before you can blink, you're suddenly in the clouds (I'm thinking alto-cumulus clouds, personally), standing there with your Creator thinking "...the hell?" Then it dawns on you "Jesus Jones! It's the fucking Rapture! Duuuuudes."
For Non-Believers:
So, if you are an agnostic, atheist, Satanist, or a member of other non-Jesus-centric religions, you will not be going anywhere. You are what is referred to in Bible-thumping circles as "Left Behind." The immediate disappearance of millions of others on this planet is going to force you, and the remaining lost souls, into a state of panic. Airplanes and automobiles manned by believers will suddenly be empty after people are taken. People undergoing surgery might be left in precarious positions because the surgeon was a believer and is now gone. Cue mass panic.
Event #2: The Judgement Seat and the Great Feast (for believers)
From the clouds, you are escorted to Heaven along with long lines of other folks from all eras (so expect some serious B.O. in the queue). There are two main events that will occur. There is the Judgment Seat of Christ which is where God judges, and subsequently rewards, His believers. (The non-believers have a separate judgment day "The Last Judgment.") After you get all your rewards and shit, then you sit down to this huge-ass feast called "The Marriage Supper of the Lamb," which is basically Heaven-sanctioned gluttony. This event is the celebration of God marrying his people. Sounds a bit polyamorous, I know. But if you're a believer--male, female, gay, or straight, alive or previously dead--you will be married to Christ during a seven-year banquet.
"...the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine--the best of meats and the finest of wines." (Isaiah 25:6)
You know, though, that God isn't really doing the "preparing." Come on. That rich bastard isn't slavin' away in the kitchen for a banquet big enough to feed millions of folks for seven years. I call bullshit. He's either going to do an I-Dream-Of-Jeanie nod and make it happen, or he's got some sorry-ass angel lackeys in the back whippin' shit up. Either way, the believers are getting fed the finest of foods and drinks. None of this Old Country Barfet crap.
Event #2: The Great Tribulation (for non-believers)
After the initial adjustment to the fact that millions of people just fucking up and disappeared, we don't get to curb our anxiety much before the serious shit starts going down in the form of widespread calamities and intense turmoil, the likes of which the world has never seen. For the next seven years, God's messengers (including the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, which symbolize Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death) will unleash God's wrath upon the world in the form of plagues and pestilence, at predestined times. The word "apocalypse" means "the lifting of a veil" which is the symbolic term for the apocalyptic henchman that come and reveal God's wrath to the people of Earth. So I take the word "apocalypse" to be synonymous with "Great Tribulation." But that's me. Don't quote me on this.
During all of this turmoil, a person called the Antichrist will rise to power and try to quell the people's need for a strong leader during these troubled times. He will really be acting on behalf of Satan, spreading evil throughout the world, but the people won't know it. The Antichrist will use religious syncretism to merge religions and economies together. People will be required to get the "Mark of the Beast" (666 or 616, depending on who you ask) tattooed on their body as a means of monetary exchange. This mark will ensure their damnation. (As if the fact that the Christian are already gone did not. But whatever. I'm just the messenger, yo.)
Event #3: The Second Coming of Christ (The Battle of Armageddon)
So, after the seven years of hell on earth is over, and believers are done stuffing their pie holes, they come back to Earth with God and start kicking Satan's ass. It's going to be quite epic. The big things that happen are: the armies of the Antichrist are destroyed, the Antichrist himself is sent to eternal damnation along with the False Prophet, and Satan is sent to Hell for 1,000 years and ejected from Earth.
Event #4: The Millennium Kingdom
So, after Satan and his cronies get their asses kicked, God and His believers take over, rebuild the Earth, and the Millennium Kingdom begins. Mind you, however, the non-believers who did not perish in the Battle of Armageddon are still here, alongside the believers. Everyone is peaceful.
Event #5: The Last Judgment
After 1,000 years of peace and goodness, God lets Satan out of Hell again and whoops his ass one more time (just for kicks). After that, he conducts the Great White Throne Judgment (or Last Judgment) and now judges all non-believers and sends them to the Lake of Fire (Hell) for eternity. Him and his minions will now rebuild a New Heaven and Earth. Why a new Earth? Why not ditch this hole? Who the fuck knows. Maybe the believers have overpopulated Heaven and they need more space. In any case, the darkness of Earth is defeated and the light will reign for the rest of eternity.
Forever and ever, Amen.
Rapture Playlist
“Break on Through (to the Other Side)” The Doors
“Rapture” Blondie
“Stairway to Heaven” Led Zeppelin
“Caught up in the Rapture” Anita Baker
“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” Judy Garland
“Come Sail Away” Styx
“Little Trip to Heaven” Tom Waits
"Armageddon It" Def Leppard
"Ghost Riders in the Sky" Johnny Cash
"Arma-goddamn-motherf**kin-geddon" Marilyn Manson
"It's the End of the World as We Know It" REM
"Left Behind" Slipknot
"The Great Gig in the Sky" Pink Floyd
"High in the Clouds" 'Ol Dirty Bastard
Suggested Reading
"Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
BONUS: Rapture Dining Guide--for those in Seattle during the Rapture who want to be Left Behind in gastronomical style
11 May, 2011
A Better Place
I’m a dreamer. Not so much in the classic sense as in the literal sense. When I sleep, my mind opens up and creates the most fantastical, epic scenes. Sometimes, I am dreaming in other languages, which I fully understand, and speak fluently. Sometimes, I know where I'm going even though I have never been there. Sometimes I even solve world problems. (I once had a dream that I invented a way to stop a tsunami.) Other times, my dreams have me being chased by wild animals and, although weary from running and hiding, I always manage to outwit them. Often, I’ll go to bed with a problem and when I wake up the next morning, I have an answer. It fascinates me when people tell me that they don’t dream, or that they don't remember many of their dreams. I am always dreaming and remembering.
A few nights ago, I had a wildly vivid dream. In it, my best friend Denise, who died a dozen empty years ago, was still very much alive. We were wandering in the hills above Garmisch-Partenkirchen in southern Germany, which is where we were on our last time together. She was acting completely possessed, chasing huge Bavarian cows across the alpine meadow, their cowbells clanging loudly as they outran this mad sprinter.
I can still hear her laugh. Sometimes, it was more of a cackle. And sometimes, it was a beautiful belly laugh. If I close my eyes, I can smell her hair when we hugged. She’s the only friend that I would let hold my hand for any length of time. Anyone else, I would pull back into my own comfort zone. With Denise, prolonged non-sexual touch was not only possible, but expected.
I knew that she was going to die. In the dream, I mean. I suddenly had an urge to stop the clock. Just stay put. Don’t move. Keep her there where it was safe. But I knew that was impossible. I knew somehow that this was the last time I would laugh with her. So I watched her hair fly back while she chased cows and laughed and laughed at their enormous bodies charging off.
“You’re going to die soon.” It just came out. I couldn’t stop it.
“I already know…” she replied, unfazed.
She told me not to worry because she would be going to a better place. I didn’t understand what she meant. She was a devout atheist who believed that we are all just worm food when we pass on. So, what is she talking about, this “better place”? How the hell is “worm food” a better place? But she insisted that she was going to be alright, that I shouldn’t worry, and that she was at peace. That this “better place” was somewhere far better than here. That I would understand when I got there.
I trust her.
This dream was undoubtedly brought on by the fact that I attended a memorial service last week for a prominent member of my circle of friends. She was an incredible life force and her death hit me in the gut. Grief is processed in both overt and subconscious ways. Sometimes you think you’re fine, and then you are sideswiped by the most gut-kicking pain. And sometimes you feel pain, but the smallest, most beautiful thing lifts you up and you don't even realize that you're smiling for perhaps the first time in days.
I work out a lot of things, including grief, in my sleep.
And I’m grieving more than death. I’m grieving change. A breakup from a long-term relationship. This beautiful place I live that will be too big for just me and my cat, Fernando. For the life plans I had hoped to achieve by now, that just weren't possible. For love lost.
I'm feeling topsy-turvy. Catawampus. Off-kilter.
I'm feeling topsy-turvy. Catawampus. Off-kilter.
And yet…
Strangely, I’ve not felt this grounded in a long time. Even though I cannot always gauge where my center is, and I don’t always know up from down, I do know where my feet are planted—firmly on this godforsaken, awe-inspiring, fantastically bipolar planet of ours. The planet that feeds us grief and love together and calls that a “square meal.”
I ponder occasionally what it will be like to get off this ride, eventually, when my station arrives. Will I gladly walk off into the unknown, or will I try to stay on the ride and beg for one more stop? It seems that a lot of life is spent avoiding or prolonging the inevitable. What if we looked forward to it? What if it was something exciting, like breathing the air Paris for the first time? What if it was the ultimate rush that no drug known to man could ever match? What if it was, as Denise told me in my dream, “a better place”?
As I feel my way around in the dark, I notice that I'm a little crazy. It feels good. I'm beginning to think that without a bit of crazy, life would be colorless. Dull. Bland. I think that sanity is, at times, totally overrated. My writer friend Iced Borscht reminded me of a quote by Charles Bukowski: "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."
Validation.
I've always been a little bit of a nutter; I don’t always dance to any discernible drumbeat. But there are stigmas attached to expression without restraint. One must somehow keep feelings and extreme thoughts in check, instead of going Mad Hatter on the world. And yet that feels wrong. To go against the grain would be unnatural. Why fight the fact that I'm a bit whack right now? Soon enough, the pendulum is likely swing the other way again and I’ll come down from the chandelier I’ve been swinging, stop eating rocks, and sit down to have tea and scones and cucumber sandwiches.
I've always been a little bit of a nutter; I don’t always dance to any discernible drumbeat. But there are stigmas attached to expression without restraint. One must somehow keep feelings and extreme thoughts in check, instead of going Mad Hatter on the world. And yet that feels wrong. To go against the grain would be unnatural. Why fight the fact that I'm a bit whack right now? Soon enough, the pendulum is likely swing the other way again and I’ll come down from the chandelier I’ve been swinging, stop eating rocks, and sit down to have tea and scones and cucumber sandwiches.
Until then, I will continue to dream. Of clarity in the midst of insanity. Of beauty brought about from change. Of dancing unfettered.
I'm already in a “better place.”
I'm already in a “better place.”
20 April, 2011
Peep Show - An Edible Fashion Blog
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| Peeps Gone Wild! |
Linda is the brains and beauty behind Salty Seattle--the food blog that is getting (well deserved) wide recognition for her mad-scientist kitchen experiments, her culinary artistry, and her well-honed witticisms. She also started a sensational new movement called "Nudie Foodies"--gorgeous gourmands willing to peel off some clothing to raise money for Japan. She's been on Master Chef, and most recently the Cooking Channel, which described her as "the Lady Gaga of Cooking." Apropos.
Despite a crazy work schedule, when Linda asked if I had some time to shoot her in her edible bikini, I made time. If there's one thing I've learned as a photographer, it's that you don't turn down scantily clad women wearing food. Seriously. Learn from me here, people, and make this a rule of business. I know it sounds crazy, but you'll thank me later.
When I arrived at the Easter Bunny's house, her mother was busy gluing Peeps together, and explaining the hazards of using a glue gun near the bikini area. These mother-daughter peep shenanigans really warmed my heart; the way I see it, the family that peeps together, keeps together! (And, quite honestly, I found this to be my all-time favorite use for Peeps bar none.)
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Fairy Peep-Mother |
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Peeper Woman! She can scale walls!  The Good Witch of the Peeps   of your sweet bits! |
Happy Easter, Everybody!
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